


Dammit Hughes

by BleedingCoffee



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Royai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2954543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingCoffee/pseuds/BleedingCoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No." Elicia giggled. "What Daddy would really want. He'd want Uncle Roy to get a wife." </p><p>It's Maes Hughes's birthday and Elicia wants to give her deceased father the gift he always wished for, the gift of RoyAi. :) One-Shot RoyAi</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dammit Hughes

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This was prompted by watching a video of the Daughter of Dusk game where Winry is coaching Roy and Riza on the play they're going to put on. Started it on Tumblr, so just finishing it off for a anon request. RoyAi.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I don't own the lyrics.

* * *

**Dammit Hughes**

* * *

"Daddy's birthday is this weekend."

Winry stopped what she was doing and held her breath as Gracia slowly set the dish she was washing back into the sink. She could see Gracia's hand gripping the edge of the counter-top, trying to not react and be strong for her daughter. Winry resumed coloring in Elicia's book with her, hoping she could say something to ease the pain cause by the innocent words of a child. "Elicia, Daddy doesn't get older anymore. He's in heaven with my Mom and Dad and it's like birthday parties every day up there."

"I don't want to forget his birthday." Elicia said. "So we should have a party for him."

Winry kept coloring. She remembered how hard it was to celebrate after her parents were killed, how birthdays, holidays and accomplishments seemed to be more hollow without them. "Maybe you and I can get his pictures out? How would you like that? He loved his pictures of you."

"We should give Daddy a gift." Elicia colored the kitty gray, like Alphonse.

"Like flowers?" Winry asked and saw Gracia reach for a towel, clearly trying to wipe away some tears before she tried to help.

"No." Elicia giggled. "What Daddy would really want. He'd want Uncle Roy to get a wife."

Winry blinked. Uncle Roy?  _Roy Mustang_? Like he'd ever settle down. "Well..."

"He's going to marry Aunt Riza one day." Elicia looked up at Winry. "Daddy told me so. He told me I could be the flower girl."

Winry tried to picture that. "Really?"

"Yes." Elicia said. "Daddy was Uncle Roy's best friend. So now that Daddy is gone, I have to make sure his wish comes true. "

The more Winry thought about it, the more she could see how those two probably  _were_ something. "How do you propose we do that?"

"Have a birthday party for Daddy and make them come. Then we make them put on a play so they have to act like they are in love." Elicia said.

Winry grinned. "I think we can do that."

Gracia turned when she heard the mischievous sound to Winry's voice. It seemed like a horrible idea, having a birthday for her dead husband but, maybe it would be best if they were not allowed to be alone that day. Elicia needed it too, to not see their grief. As adults they had to play along, they'd all do anything for her.

"Can we Mommy?" Elicia looked up at her Mom. "Can I call Uncle Roy and invite him over for the party?"

* * *

Roy Mustang's melancholy mood managed to cast a shadow over the office. Everyone knew that there was a reason the boss was being bitchy, but it didn't make the discomfort any easier to take. He couldn't concentrate on anything for more then ten minutes and they were considering drugging his coffee just so he'd sleep through the day. At least until next week when  _the day_  had passed.

There were many days now marked on the office calendar. Hughes Days. His birthday, his anniversary, wedding and untimely demise. Plus Elicia's birthday and all major holidays. Anything Hughes would have been celebrating was a dark day in the life of Roy Mustang. One more reason he and Jack Daniels would have a date, because Hughes couldn't make any of his.

Riza wasn't immune to his short temper either and as much as she tried to be understanding and console him, Roy wished to remain miserable and inconsolable. His penance for getting his friend killed...and for not dying in his place. These were the moods Hughes knew well, the times when he would just ignore the brooding bitchy Roy and loop an arm around his neck. Ruffle the alchemist's hair and shove pictures in his face. Hughes knew how to rise above the clouds of guilt and remain close to his friend while donning a cloak of immunity to the Colonel's scorn. Hughes however was gone...and Riza didn't know how to help. It hurt her to be pushed away, to hear that she didn't understand what he was going through. She looked up as the phone rang and he threw his pencil at a map on the wall and grabbed the phone.

"Mustang." Roy's voice snapped with a hostility that would probably make the recipient wish he snapped his fingers instead.

Riza watched his eyes widen and his attitude change from belligerent to bewildered.

"Uh...Hi." Roy sat up straight, as if the little girl on the other end of the line could tell he was not living up to being a stable adult. "What's up kiddo?"

Riza cocked her head as the other members of the team also stopped what they were doing to eavesdrop. His voice changed from gruff to soft in the span of two seconds.

"Uh..." Roy couldn't believe what he was hearing. He really couldn't believe it when he heard himself answer, "Of course I can. I guess you'll have to ask her yourself though."

Riza was startled when he held out the phone for her.

"For you."

She cautiously walked over to his desk and took the phone. "Hello?"

Roy was glad to see she had the same startled expression he probably had when he heard Elicia's voice on the other end of the phone line. He watched Riza's jaw drop a little before she regained her composure and answered.

"Yes, Elicia. I certainly can come. Can we bring anything?" Riza paused as she heard the girl giggle with delight and just respond with 'Uncle Roy'. "Yes dear, I'll make sure he gets to the party on time."

Roy watched the phone return to the cradle and sighed before running his hands into his hair and clenching his fists. "Excuse me while I go in the corner and crawl up in a little ball and make myself disappear."

Riza smacked his fingers until the released their hold on his hair and then patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sorry sir, but Elicia is expecting you to come to her party and I agreed to make sure you get there."

"What kind of hell is this?" Roy looked up at her and for the first time in a week  _looked at her_. She looked worn down, like she hadn't been sleeping. She looked at him like she wanted to cradle his head in her belly and make his pain go away. He felt horrible for how he had been trying his damnedest to chase her away so he could wallow in his pool of self-pity and guilt by himself. God, he was such a dick.

"We have to do this for that little girl." Riza nodded then whispered so only he could hear, "More so because we know what she's going through. If that's what she needs, than we need to be there."

Roy closed his eyes. "Right. However after she goes to bed I reserve the right to try to drown myself in bourbon."

"Yes, sir." She said and returned to her desk. This Saturday they had a party, a birthday party for a dead comrade hosted by his daughter. "I might drink with you this time."

* * *

Roy stood outside the Hughes's home and stared at the front door. How many times had he had his hand on the gate of the white picket fence and looked up to see that door swing open with Maes holding his baby girl? There was a happiness that seemed to radiate off the man whenever he was with his family, it never ebbed. Well, until the day Daddy never came home from work; the day he died because his selfish best friend had involved him in an investigation that robbed him of everything he deserved. If anyone deserved that happy ending, it was Hughes. The man who loved his family, who never let them see the darkness in the world and never let it consume him. A better man than Roy Mustang for sure.

If there was a way to trade places with him, one that wouldn't end in a disaster like the Elrics had experienced, he would do it. He wanted to believe he was just that noble, that he would gladly give his life in exchange for the man who deserved to live, however he knew he was just being selfish. It would have been easier to end his own suffering by exchanging his own failed life to bring back that of a real hero.

"Roy."

He looked beside him at Riza who for some reason remained by his side. Being the stellar human being that he was, earlier this week he had accused her of staying with him because she wanted to be punished for what she did in Ishval. That remaining tied to him and  _lovin_ g him was how she tortured herself daily to pay for the lives she took and the lives her secrets reduced to ash. One of his finer moments for sure, he just wanted to hurt her to make her go away and leave him to hate himself in peace. A real winner. "I don't deserve either of you. Why…were you both condemned to meet me?"

"You need to pull yourself together." She said quietly. "Please, this day is not about us. It's about making Elicia Hughes feel like she still has a father to celebrate. We were both in her position and it would have been nice to have an escape like this. At her age, she still has the ability to pretend that maybe this is all just a bad dream. Didn't you do that? Pretend your parents were going to come though that door, that this was just one of those nightmares that felt too real?"

He closed his eyes. "You're right." He said

"You're not the only one suffering." She said quietly.

"What if she wants to look at pictures?" He asked. "What happens in five years when she wants to hear stories about her Dad because she doesn't remember him? What happens in ten years when she needs someone to teach her how to dance? What about in twenty years when she needs her Dad to walk her down the aisle?"

"Roy, get through the next six hours." Riza worried more and more about him. He was always teetering on the edge of his internal darkness, a consuming abyss of despair that he seemed to want to throw himself into all too readily. "Then you're going to stop blaming yourself for this and remember that a man died for a cause that he believed in. Remember that he believed _in you_."

Roy blinked away the cloudy vision, the lack of focus that was only allowing him to see what was missing from this beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon. He looked at the woman beside him, who refused to leave his side. "I don't deserve you."

"Probably not." She said with a slight smile. "However my dog likes you a lot and we would both hate to have to housebreak a new boyfriend."

He took a deep breathe and said. "I owe you an apology."

Riza frowned. He was having a hard time snapping out of his depression this time. She wished she knew Hughes's secret, how he managed to evade the painful stabs of Roy's sharp tongue and still drag his best friend out of his morose psychological state and obsessive self-flagellating. It seemed like the only power she had over him most days was guilt and that was more agonizing than his bitter words. "Roy, I'd rather have you with me than worry about you being alone. I also don't want you internalizing this any more than you do. I love you and I know you work through things differently than I do, so please don't feel like you have to hide anything from me."

"No…" Roy said and cleared his throat again. Wow, now he felt like an even bigger piece of shit. "I do owe you an apology for being…so nasty lately. I just…I want to be miserable and I'm the most miserable when I'm without you. I don't feel like I deserve the comfort, so I push you away. I forget how it hurts you. I forget…that it's what your father did to you and I never wanted you to experience that again. I forget. I am so self absorbed that I just don't think about anyone else. I'm sorry Riza."

"We can talk about this tonight." She gave him a warm smile, wishing she could do more but knowing they were probably being watched from the house window. "For now, we need to push it aside to do our job."

"Well I think I want to quit my job of being a responsible adult." He mumbled.

"Some days," She huffed. "I think you already did."

"Ouch."

"Better?" Riza asked, knowing how he tended to focus better when insults were being thrown. She opened the front gate for him.

"Let's go to a Birthday Party."

* * *

Winry was surprised at how easily the mighty Flame Alchemist and feared Colonel Mustang was reduced to a complacent fool by a little girl. So much for tactical genius, he was no match for this team! She continued to fuss with his surprisingly luxurious head of hair as Elicia played the part of the costume designer.

Roy sat on the ground next to the coffee table wearing a top hat four sizes too small for his head as Winry used hair clips to keep it in place. Elicia sat on the table trying to pin the tablecloth around his neck so he could have a cape. Overall he had to admit he was much more embarrassed than depressed. He, however, still wanted to go crawl into the darkest corner and cry. Weird how that worked as a solution for everything. "Explain to me again what I'm supposed to be?"

"You are the Prince and you need to go save Cinderella from mopping the floors in the kitchen." Elicia explained.

Oh the irony! Riza was  _Cinder_ -Ella. Roy winced as his hair got pulled again. "What are you doing to my hair Rockbell? I'm not your midget boyfriend who needs his hair braided."

Winry purposely dug the Hello Kitty hair clip into his scalp and enjoyed it when he cringed. She was going to take plenty of pictures of this just because of that comment. "Don't forget you have to sing."

"Sing?" He watched Elicia nod in confirmation.

"Like a Prince!" Elicia said. "You know how to act like a Prince right?"

Roy frowned.  _Well if I act like Prince Claudio I'll need to figure out a way to start talking to my crotch while I rattle off some gibberish about loving how Amestrian uniforms showcase our finest assets._   _If I act like Ling Yao I can just eat myself to death._ "I guess."

"Just act like yourself." Winry put her hands on her hips. "Talk down to everyone and act better than them."

"Not hard to talk down to the Half-Pint Alchemist…" Roy yelped as she tried to pin a flower to his chest by piercing his nipple or maybe aiming to puncture the pericardium around his heart.

"No!" Elicia said. "You have to be nice. Cinderella has a bad life as a house servant and she needs to have a Prince come and show her she's pretty!"

Roy didn't believe in the supernatural but it seemed like too much of a coincidence that Elicia would say that. Dammit Hughes! I should have never told you about Riza back in the academy. If this is how you haunt me…

"Say nice things, if you're capable of that." Winry said and smiled. "I hear you're supposed to be suave and good with women. Perhaps you can show Elicia here what kind of phony things a philanderer says to woo a woman."

"Sounds like your boyfriend talks more about me than you like." Roy snorted. "Jealous, Miss Rockbell?"

Winry narrowed her eyes at the back of his head and wondered if she could just choke him with the 'cape' he was wearing. "No wonder you need the help of a five year old to get a date."

"Yes." Elicia nodded. "Now you make sure you sing to her or it's not going to work."

"Sing what?" Roy asked, purposely ignoring Winry and the ever so painful hair clip she was trying to rip his follicles out with.

"Something that will melt her heart without you setting the kitchen on fire." Winry said and walked over to Elicia to see the "Prince" they just spent the last hour dressing. He looked like an idiot wearing a tablecloth and a hat off a stuffed animal. Oh well. Not even the best costume could hide the moron underneath it. "Do it or you'll be redoing the scene until it's perfect."

"I'll take the pictures!" Elicia said. "Daddy would love this!"

Roy stood up. Yes, sadly he would.  _I hope you're enjoying this Hughes_. He shuffled towards the kitchen wearing his tablecloth cape and tiny felt top hat. Elicia's little hand was wrapped around his as she lead him to her 'theater'. It was now time to participate in her version of Cinderella where he would serenade Riza and give her his sad excuse for a cape to make a ball gown for her. At least the director didn't forget his "magic" and incorporated his alchemy into the production. It was time to get in character. "Hark! Is that the piney fresh smell of Armstrong family floor cleaner I smell?

"Cinderella is mopping the floor!" Elicia's said as an announcement for the play to begin.

Riza looked up as Roy materialized wearing his ridiculous outfit. Then again she wasn't exactly going to win a costume award with the trash bag she was wearing. At least he cracked a smile when he saw her. "Do we have a script?"

"No." Winry smiled, "Make it up as you go."

"Don't forget the songs!" Elicia's said. "Look Prince Uncle Roy, she's having to take care of her step mothers house and not go to the ball! Help her!"

Riza sighed. The she saw his eyes as he looked at her, suddenly he seemed to glaze over and stare past her and she worried. She knew that look, it meant he was remembering something.

Roy was suddenly back in Master Hawkeye's kitchen wondering why his teacher's daughter was scrubbing the well worn oak floors when they needed refinished and sealed. No amount of scrubbing would get out the splatter stain from the cooking oil she let hit the floor. They were talking, he distracted her and the oil got too hot, the splash of the fritters hitting the oil sent a splash onto her and burnt her arm. Only after he tended to it did she see the stain. A young girl who should have never been made to feel that guilt, in threadbare clothes…working like a servant instead of studying. He blinked and looked again at Riza now, the confident and amazing woman who stood before him. Thankfully before he had to say anything the doorbell rang.

Riza continued to stare at him as his eyes refocused and she saw his look of apology. Elicia and Gracia both left to answer the door and they just stared at each other until they heard the newest guest. She watched Roy's face turn into a scowl as he heard Major Armstrong's bellowing voice.

"What a wonderful idea Miss Hughes! Your father would be so happy you were throwing him a party!" Armstrong's voice carried through the house and nearly half the subdivision. "Allow me..to offer our esteemed Armstrong home as a location for your play! My sister would be able to provide musical accompaniment to the Colonel's songs!"

Riza closed her eyes. Oh joy! Change of venue.

"Really!?" Elicia's giggled. "That is so nice of you!"

Roy rolled his eyes and found out that whatever held his hair together also inflicted pain from his facial expressions. "Riza, get me out of this costume before that man comes in here."

Winry put her hand on her hip and glared at him. "I swear if you turn this into something perverted I'll crush that skull of yours with my wrench."

"I'm pretty sure you already started to crush it with your masochist hair-styling techniques." Roy darted over to Riza's side and bowed his head to show her what torture he was being subjected to and to plead for her assistance.

"Big baby." Winry mumbled.

* * *

To say the Armstrong home was huge was the understatement of the century. Roy knew it was ridiculously large but someone could hide a tank battalion in this place without having to transmute a larger door to drive it in. Roy was impressed, if not just a little intimidated by it's size. He couldn't imagine living in a home this large; his room at Christmas's was a former broom closet, his dorm room at the academy was even smaller, he had tents in the war and now he lived in a tiny studio apartment in East City. He didn't really need space, he just would fill it with books and other shit so he tried to avoid giving himself the opportunity. This was a lot of space, just in the foyer.

Riza watched Elicia's eyes grow wide and a smile stretch across her adorable little face. She was definitely having a good time. "So, did you invite Major Armstrong to the party?"

"He's always checking in on us and Elicia thinks he's funny." Gracia shrugged. "He's a very nice man, even if he doesn't seem to want to keep his clothes on. A strange thing to hear from a parent, I'm sure."

Riza nodded. She understood, Armstrong was one of a kind. Her sharp eye caught movement in her peripheral vision and she looked to her right. A young girl seemed to be peaking around the corner of a doorway and checking them out. Before she could say anything Armstrong called out to her.

"Catherine!" Alex boomed. "Come in and meet my friends!"

Roy raised his eyebrows. That was Catherine? That was the chick he forced Havoc to go out on a date with? Holy hell! Then he saw Riza's glance of disapproval and he smiled meekly at her.

"Hello." Catherine said sweetly and waved bashfully as she blushed and hid in her brother's shadow.

Roy blinked. Maybe Olivier was adopted. Like taken from arctic wolves and then given back after she graduated the academy. This whole family was an enigma.

Winry walked over and held out her hand. "It's so nice to meet you!"

"Big Brother has told me all about you. It's so nice to have you over!" Catherine smiled.

"Maybe you can play the piano for Miss Elicia's play?" Alex asked as the adorable little girl ran over to them.

"YAY! I'm so excited!" Elicia said.

"They need to practice first." Winry said and looked over at Mustang and Hawkeye. Riza looked a little worried and Roy looked cocky as hell. Well this would be interesting.

* * *

"Are you sure about letting him pick his own music?" Gracia asked as she sat on the couch beside Elicia who was enjoying some chocolate truffles.

Winry looked over at Roy leaning on the piano scribbling out his song list. "Until he convinces me otherwise. Why what kind of music does he like?"

"Mmm." Gracia sighed. She wasn't going to mention the song that he did like way too much. Last thing she wanted to hear for the next four weeks was Elicia singing "Snap Snap, Spark Spark." all day long. Last time she would call up Roy and they would sing it together. Maes had thought it was adorable, but Maes even thought her loaded diapers were adorable. She had reminded him that he got to go to work and avoid at least nine straight hours of her singing it on repeat. She hoped Maes was able to see this wherever he was.  _Happy Birthday my love, it's going to be an interesting one._

Riza stood on the elevated platform by herself and wished she had just shot Roy for looking at Catherine that way. Instead she knew it was going to be a long, awkward afternoon from the boyish smile on his face as he jotted down his play list. "Colonel, this is supposed to be a musical Cinderella."

Roy looked over at her. "Have some faith. I will serenade you and make everyone jealous at the same time."

"That wasn't my point." She growled and he stuck out his tongue at her as he finished his list and handed it to Catherine. The young Armstrong girl smiled and cracked her knuckles. Oh God, why did she have the feeling she wasn't going to speak with him for at least a week after this.

Roy grabbed the candelabra off the piano and walked over as he hummed a few notes. He enjoyed singing, but usually he did it in a smokey bar with a few rounds of something potent in him first. In fact, he and Maes used to sing duets on karaoke night at Christmas's back in the academy. Well until his Mother told him the reason attendance was so high was not because of their singing, but because they both got grabby when drunk and hung all over each other like a pair of newlyweds. Catherine finished warming up and gave him a bright smile and nod, indicating his song was going to begin. So he raised the candelabra up and sang,

" _Shot through the heart,_

_and you're to blame,_

_darling you give love a bad name."_

Riza blushed and she heard Winry screech to stop him before he belted out any more. She knew he never really read into the lyrics, he just sang whatever came on the radio. It was odd that an alchemist, who read into everything, would overlook what he was actually singing...but that was Roy. Just oblivious to the obvious and able to decipher the impossible. He had an amazing voice and could make just about anything sound good, so she couldn't complain too much. However in public it was a different story.

Roy winced as Winry smacked him with a pillow. "What? Was I off key?"

"NO! What kind of song is that to sing to the woman you just fell in love with at first sight!?

"An  _awesome_  one." Roy said and narrowed his eyes at her. Kids these days, no appreciation for the classics. "Fine, go to the next one Catherine."

Winry sat down and flipped her hair. "This better be good."

" _Is this the real life?_  
Is this just fantasy?  
Caught in a landslide  
No escape from reality  
Open your eyes  
Look up to the skies and see  
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy  
Because I'm easy come, easy go  
A little high, little low  
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me ..."

Gracia sighed. Winry took a little long to catch on to his choice so he was just going to keep going. Clearly he was using his favorite song list from when he and Maes used to compete in the Holiday Party Karaoke Competition in Central. Those where the days, the days when she just thought Mrs. Bradley enjoyed musical shenanigans and wasn't a rabid Mustang fangirl. Oh, had her innocence been shattered that day. However right now Roy was just lost in his song and his audience lost in his melodious voice . She glanced at Winry as the young girl moved to the edge of her seat, her eyes glistening with hope that this was going to be a promising song that would sweep Riza off her feet. Riza who was standing there with her hand over her eyes in shame.

" _Mama, just killed a man_  
Put a gun against his head  
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead "

Winry threw the pillow at him. "STOP! What is WRONG with you!?"

Roy threw the pillow back at her. "What's wrong with  _you_? This is a rock anthem!"

"This is a fairy tale romance!" Winry snapped back.

Catherine started to play Lady Gaga's Bad Romance and then stopped as Winry shot her an angry glare.

Roy narrowed his eyes at the young blond interrupting his stellar singing. "Like you know anything about romance if you're with Fullmetal."

Riza reached over and slapped him on the arm as Winry started to hyperventilate. "Stop it."

"Riza." Roy looked over at her and ignored Winry's growing fury. "Riza...RIZA!"

"What." She looked at him with that adorable smile and sighed. Winry was definitely going to put him in the hospital.

"Call Kenny Loggins, cause you're in the  _DANGERZONE_." Roy jumped back as Winry took a swipe at him with a lamp. He laughed as Catherine stood up and started to play the Kenny Loggins tune for him as he evaded the angered mechanic.

Elicia squealed with delight as Winry started chasing Uncle Roy around as he tried to sing. Catherine kept playing and she clapped at the entertaining antics. "Pictures!"

Gracia cleared her throat. "Maybe we should pick Roy's songs for him."

Winry stopped chasing after the amazingly spry Colonel who didn't seem out of breath at all from running around the room, jumping over furniture and singing the whole time. She thought Ed said the guy did nothing but sit around all day and sleep! She looked over as he scooted behind Riza and grinned at her, sheltering himself behind his babysitter. "Yes. We're taking away your artistic license."

"Take away his driver's license while you're at it." Riza mumbled and Elicia jumped up ran over to her

to take her hand.

"Auntie Riza! You can sing too!"

Roy could see her cheeks flush and casually slipped around her to pick up Elicia. He knew Riza was incredibly shy about singing. She wasn't very good at it, sang as quiet as a mouse when she did and it was horribly off key. He never told her that and loved when she did indulge, but it would be a disaster if they forced her to participate. "Hey kiddo, I thought the serenading was my job. She's not trying to save me from my wicked step-sisters."

Riza sighed and was thankful he stepped in on that one. He gave her a wink, not just for being a hero but for the line about his step-sisters. The girls at Madam Christmas's were always ragging on him about his relationship with her. They wanted details and quite possibly a floor show. Why were all the people in her life so dramatic?

"Uncle Roy, your songs aren't very romantic. You're just being weird." Elicia giggled. "No wonder you can't convince anyone to marry you!"

Roy deflated and he heard Winry cackle at that. "Thanks Hughes."

"Perhaps..." Alex Armstrong stepped forward with the elegance of a ballerina and the presence of a woolly Mammoth,"You are in need of coaching from a proud member of the romantic Armstrong family, who's seductive capabilities have been passed down for generations..."

"God no." Roy snorted and set Elicia back down on the couch next to her mother.

"Roy Mustang..." Alex spun and prepared to perform his stunning sparkly stripper routine.

"No." Roy said with a snap of authority as he saw what was about to happen. But it was too late and he ducked behind a chair to avoid being hit by the shirt buttons as Armstrong's shirt ripped off. Then he shielded his eyes as the glistening muscle ripped chest of Alex Armstrong made it's debut this hour.

"Behold the irresistible physical display that women can't ignore!" Alex spun and jumped up on the stage with Hawkeye. "The dedication to perfection, the strength of body and character..."

"Like he even knows what those statements mean." Winry sighed and got a glare in return for her comment.  _Oh suck it jackass, you're lucky you have a pretty face because your personality is shit. Riza deserves better._

"The appreciation of love and it's most splendid affect on the heart, body and soul!" Alex bent down on one knee next to Hawkeye who seemed shocked.

Roy took three bold steps onto the stage and brandished his candlestick at the man. "If you're suggesting that I duel you over the heart of this fair maiden, than I accept your challenge Sir Alex of the Steroidians."

"WHAT!?" Winry screamed and heard Elicia squeal in delight.

Alex flexed and winked at Elicia who seemed to be enjoying the impromptu play. "Well then Prince Roy...guardian of the fire breathing dragons..."

"Sir Alex," Roy said and let loose an overly absurd stage laugh. "I'll singe more than your ego if you get in the way of my asking this beautiful woman to the grand ball!"

"Then it's a duel!" Alex chirped and balled his fist at Mustang. "As the one challenged I reserve the right to choose the weapon...and I choose strength!"

"Big surprise." Roy mumbled.

"An arm wresting contest!" Alex bellowed and his voice echoed through the halls of his ancestral home.

"How crude," Roy snorted, "To watch us fight like animals, dear Cinderella deserves a more refined contest of her suitors."

Riza cocked an eyebrow. Why didn't it surprise her that these two were so good at playing the parts a five year old dreamed up for them.  _Alchemists._  So damned dramatic.

"I choose..." Roy paused for dramatic effect and heard Elicia gasp. "Song!"

"I should choose." Riza said in her usual office monotone. "I choose pistols."

"Well that escalated quickly." Catherine said and cracked her knuckles in preparation for another song. Mustang seemed capable of bursting into song at any given moment, just as her big brother was capable of bursting out of his shirt without notice. They needed to have these people over more often, they were entertaining.

"Elicia," Gracia stood and smiled down at her daughter who was clearly very entertained by this play. "Perhaps you should provide better instructions to the actors?"

"OK!" Elicia jumped off the couch and pointed to the next room with the fireplace. "Come on Uncle Roy and Aunt Riza, you two must not have had the same Cinderella book back when you guys were little."

"Short intermission," Alex declared. "While the director has a cast meeting. Please follow me to the kitchen for snacks and drinks."

Roy gave Riza a gentlemanly bow to show that he wanted her to follow behind Elicia first. She gave him a look of annoyance, though he could tell it was only masking her mild amusement at his acting debut. He got close enough to her to whisper, "Did you want me to take my shirt off too? I didn't think you wanted to have to fight off everyone trying to get a feel of my delicious abs."

She elbowed him in the gut and shook her head. Elicia lead them into a nice study, the huge stone fireplace the focal point of the entire room. There was a conference table large enough to fit her hometown on and she couldn't help but wonder what historic events had taken place here. "Elicia, dear, please be very specific when you tell your Uncle Roy what you expect of him. He's not very good at following instructions, even simple ones like 'Sign the paperwork'."

Roy sat down on an old settee and admired the antique piece. It appeared to be custom, as it had a needlepoint semi-nude muscle flexing man in the center of the back of the sofa. Maybe it was stuffed with all the hair Alex lost from his head and shaved off his chest. "Yes, Cinderella. Tell me the story again."

Riza leaned against the door frame. He was hoping the little girl would try to tell him the whole fairy tale and fall asleep in the process. Brilliant man.

"It doesn't have to be Cinderella. It can be any story where the people fall in love." Elicia said.

"Why do you want us to fall in love?" Roy asked and had that inkling of a feeling he was going to regret doing so.

"Because you need a wife." Elicia said matter-of-factly.

 _Dammit Hughes!_ "Elicia,I need to tell you a secret" Roy patted the seat beside him as an indicator to the girl he wanted her to sit next to him. Riza shot him a glare, it was the same move he used to show Hayate it was safe to join him on the couch. Whatever. They were both kids, it was a universal language.

Elicia climbed up on the vintage settee and looked up at him with her big green eyes. "I can keep a secret! My Daddy told me how important secrets are."

Roy felt his mouth go dry. Of course he did. He took a lot of secrets with him to his grave, but at least he never kept his feelings secret. No, he broadcasted his love for his family and it was the first thing anyone would recall about Brigadier General Maes Hughes when they heard his name. Those pictures and how much he loved his family. He felt Elicia's hand wrap around his and those innocent emerald eyes glistened with excitement. He swallowed and refocused, now was not the time to reminisce. "This one is a very big secret, Elicia."

"I'm old enough."

He didn't understand why that was relevant. "Your Aunt Riza and I..."

"Are in love?" Elicia asked

He had to wonder if it was that obvious to everyone as it was to a five year old. "Yes. However not everyone can get married. We have our jobs and our jobs are really important."

"But...if you love each other you get married." Elicia said.

"It's just not possible right now. However it doesn't mean like we can't act like we're married when nobody is looking." Roy replied and felt like the words didn't really come out right.

Riza covered her eyes with her hand. Oh God, this was going to hell so fast.

Roy cleared his throat as he saw Riza cringe. Seriously? And he was the pervert? "What I mean is that just like the play we put on, we have to act like we don't love each other so we don't get in trouble. It's dangerous because someone might want to hurt Aunt Riza if they knew how much I love her."

"Like how they hurt Daddy?" Elicia's green eyes suddenly were glistening with the threat of tears. "They'd bury her like Daddy?"

Riza finally stepped in before the two could burst into tears. Roy Mustang was going to be an interesting father, but for now the innuendo, lame puns and mood swings would be the death of her. However she was always here to save him and this situation would be no different. As she walked over to them, two sets of teary eyes looked up at her, one set fern green and one obsidian. "Nobody is going to die, Elicia. We're very careful and protect each other. So now you have to protect this very special secret for us too."

"I will." Elicia nodded. "So it's really true Aunt Riza? You are secretly married to Uncle Roy."

"We've taken our vows." Riza said quietly and Roy's eyes softened as he stared at her. "Perhaps not in the traditional sense, in a church, but they mean much more to me than a piece of paper or a ring. So I suppose you can say that."

"You can't have babies if you're not married." Elicia pouted, she knew when adults tried to avoid answering things. Daddy always said that you got married when you were in love and babies where what happened when married people were in love. She had no reason to doubt what he said. "I want to have friends who know alchemy like Winry has Ed and Al."

"They're your friends, too." Riza said and finally looked at the bright eyes of the little girl.

"And Ed is pretty much your age, mentally." Roy chirped.

"So are you." Riza muttered and watched his smirk emerge on his face.

"So Daddy gets his birthday present, I guess." Elicia said and then pulled a necklace off and stood up on the sofa. "I have a present for you, Uncle Roy."

He raised his eyebrows as she put a necklace on his head and tried to pull it down over his mop of messy hair. It got stuck on his forehead and started to dig into his flesh. "Hey kiddo, I think it might be too small for me."

"Ed says your have a big head, I guess he's right." Elicia bit her lip and tried to pull the necklace off him but ended up getting it caught in his hair.

Riza reached out to save Roy from having his hair torn out. "Here let me help."

Roy just closed his eyes and tried to not think of his perfect hair being destroyed by childrens jewelry. He was relieved Riza stepped in and he appreciated her gentle touch as opposed to Elicia who had ever intention of making him bald today. "So why do I get a present? It's not my birthday."

"Because," Elicia took the necklace from Riza and dangled it in front of Uncle Roy's face. "It's a BFF necklace and you're Daddy's BFF. See it's half a necklace."

Roy let her drop it into the palm of his hand and stared at it. He hated himself for asking the next question, but did it anyway. A habit when you just loved to hate yourself. "Where is the other half?"

Riza hoped that this was some token of friendship from Elicia and that the next answer wasn't going to be...

"With Daddy." Elicia sat back down and put her little finger on the charm in Uncle Roy's hand. "I gave it to him because he was my BFF and we shared secrets and stuff. So I guess you need it now so you can share secrets with him. It's his birthday and I wanted to give him what he always wanted."

"Which is?" Roy asked. Certainly there had to be some purpose to this insane day, the singing, the play, the abuse of his head full of perfect hair.

"He wanted you to get a wife." Elicia smiled. "So you should use the BFF necklace to tell him he got his wish."

"I'll go tell him right now." Roy said and realized that maybe there was a way to get out of the debacle.

"OK!" Elicia said. "I'll let Mommy and Winry know you two had to leave. I won't tell them your secret. It's OK, I think Mr. Armstrong wants to be a Prince more than you and he's funnier."

"We'll see you dinner." Roy said and she grinned up at him, suddenly he saw an image of Maes doing the same thing whenever he tricked him into doing something. Like Father, like daughter.

* * *

"Dammit Hughes."

Riza stood beside Roy as they both looked down at the granite gravestone in Central cemetery. He had that crack to his voice already, signifying he was already overwhelmed with emotions and going to struggle with saying what needed to be said. She told him she would just wait in the car, but instead he shook his head vehemently and declared that this was something he had always looked forward to telling his best friend. That every time that bastard screamed in his ear about getting a wife that he wanted to holler back that he already had one. So here they were, confessing their deepest secret to a dead man.

"So, your kid is apparently well schooled in the art of psychological torture." Roy continued. "I'd like to say that she's just a kid and doesn't know what she's saying but then I remember that she's  _your_  kid and...you're an asshole."

Riza was thankful that she didn't allow Roy to speak at the funeral.

Roy toyed with the half of the BFF necklace that was now attached to his key ring in his pocket. "So, I don't know why you couldn't figure out that a man who wanted to overthrow the government wouldn't think twice about skirting around those fraternization laws. Really, actually pisses me off that you outrank me now and that you couldn't see through my bluff. Damned desk General, that's what you are Hughes."

Riza shifted her weight and in doing so brushed against his shoulder. She heard him take a deep breath, focusing on what he was avoiding saying instead of spewing insults at his dead friend.

"We've been together a long time." Roy said softly. "Riza and I, I guess we had you fooled. Maybe your daughter should be the General, because she just outmaneuvered me and here I am talking to a dead man. However you deserve to know, you should have been the one to hear it first. We don't need a marriage certificate Hughes, there is a lot more that binds us and it means more than any legal document, status change form or blessing from a priest. Maybe someday we'll go the traditional route but this world is a long way from being safe enough for that. So Happy Birthday, Maes."

Riza placed the flowers she bought down on his grave and stood back up. "Happy Birthday, sir."

"By the way Buddy," Roy said and cleared his throat. "Major Armstrong is currently topless in his kitchen with your widow. See you later, General."


End file.
